Alien Culinary Critic: Extraterrestrial Reviews Earth’s Fast Food, Gives One Star!

Ah, the drama has just been elevated! On a chilly Tuesday afternoon, the fast-food industry was hit with a cosmic curveball. Literally, a ball zipping from the moon to earth. Not your everyday sports news, it was an indictment from outer space. Our latest interstellar visitor, a self-proclaimed gourmand from the outer edges of the Orion Nebula, conducted a gastronomic tour of Earth’s most popular fast-food chains and compiled his thoughts in a one-star review. That’s out of ten, folks!

The foodie alien, who goes by the name of Xorlax (or, as close as our human vocal cords can get), stood a towering seven feet, with a hue of neon green we’re just not accustomed to seeing in your local burger joint. Xorlax, to our surprise, possessed an impressive communication skill set. It expressed its feelings about our fast-food culture with sophisticated flair, using spaceship-enhanced Google Translate, of course.

It all started when Xorlax swooped down into the drive-thru line of ‘McDougals,’ (names have been changed for legal reasons). At first glance, it was bewildered at receiving food in a cardboard box with no tablecloth, cutlery, or wine pairings. The concept of a drive-thru itself was deemed ‘horrifying’ and ‘a gross underestimation of the culinary process’.

The alien critic got its first taste of Earth’s fast food with a ‘Triumphant Trio’ – a cheeseburger, fries, and soda. Its emerald-green face crinkled at the first bite, stating, “this has the consistency of Martian marshmallow mixed with the grit of asteroid debris,” which we took to mean far less enjoyable than expected.

The fries received similar criticism, earning the comment, “feels like chewing on processed moon dust, if you folks have ever tried that.” None of us at Secret Informer have, for the record. As for the soda, Xorlax took a swig, squirmed, then improvised an alien version of spitting-take all over the dashboard. It gasped, “soooo sweet…. is it a dessert you gulp?”

Next on Xorlax’s fast-food detour was none other than ‘Pizza Hutnk’ or what we’ve come to refer to as a heart attack in a box. Somewhat taken back, it discussed its dismay upon finding out that pizza is not, in fact, a naturally occurring space phenomenon, but a carb-loaded delight smothered in cheese. It ended its review of the pizza by stating that, “it possesses the heat of a red dwarf star, the gooey texture of a slime-infested black hole, and the weight of a collapsing neutron star.”

Taking a doggie bag, it moved on to the next, ‘Cluckin’Shack,’ famous for its take on fried chicken. One bite in and Xorlax seemed to turn a different shade of neon. Bewilderingly, it gravely stated, “The spiciness scale of this ‘fast food’ is hotter than Venus on a summer day.” Sweat dripped from its antennae as it dabbed its forehead with an ‘I <3 Earth’ T-shirt it bought during a stopover at an Illinois truck boutique.

Wrapping up its fast food journey, Xorlax summed up its gastronomic adventure. In what we are choosing to believe was not a death threat to our planet, it declared, "If this is the food your civilization is built on, your species won’t last the millennium."

So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen! Earth's fast food: Too spicy, too gooey, too… Martian-marshmallow-like? And we thought we had complaints about it! Seems like our favorite take-out, quick and easy fast food, needs to up its game for when the rest of the galaxy swings by for a munch. As they say in interstellar culinary circles, “the spice must flow, but not more than the essence of the ingredients.” Or, at least, that's what Xorlax's T-shirt said!