Aliens Attempt to Patent Human DNA: Claim They Invented Us!

Hold on to your tin foil hats, folks, because secret documents have been leaked that suggest that aliens—yep, those little green men from outer space—are making a play to patent human DNA, boldly claiming that they invented us!

Our supremely secretive sources, known only as Constellation Five, released hitherto classified files revealing an unprecedented scenario that challenges the Theory of Evolution and the religious narrative of Creationism. According to the documents, advanced otherworldly beings are asserting they are not just visitors scouting our planet, but our celestial inventors!

Reportedly, patent application #E.T.2021, was surreptitiously filed with the Galactic Intellectual Property Office (the GIPO — because yes, even the universe has bureaucracy) by a mysterious group self-identifying as Zeta Reticulans. According to Cosmic Law, if their claim passes, they will own full rights to the human blueprint. Any unauthorized reproductions — yes, that means babies — would essentially be patent infringement. Talk about intergalactic copyright claims!

Palpable evidence was found in an encoded transcript of a telepathic communication that reads, “Terran Homo-Sapiens, product ID# Eden001, experienced 200,000 Earth solar-orbit cycles. Request entity exclusive rights due to significant input in designing and prototyping.”

Cryptography experts decoded the extraterrestrial legalese, concluding that “product ID# Eden001” correlates to the first humans rumored to be engineered in a place earthlings refer to as “the Garden of Eden” and “200,000 Earth solar-orbit cycles” to comprehensible human years. Clever, right?

This assertion has opened up a can of cosmic worms. Are we to believe we are a creation of alien engineering and now their legal intellectual property? Are Adam and Eve not the primordial couple but the first lab rats?

“Nonsense!” screams renowned geneticist Dr. Crispr Cas-Nine. “Our existence is a product of millions of years of evolution on this planet. If true, everything we’ve studied is obsolete. Universities would have to rewrite their syllabi and I’ll have to rewrite my doctoral thesis!”

Nevertheless, our astronomical insiders maintain that these interstellar geneticists are unfairly trying to monetize the ‘humane genome’ which they initially scattered across the cosmos as a social experiment. They allege that the Zeta Reticulans have been tweaking our genetic code for eons and consider themselves the true ‘Deux ex Machina’.

This novel declaration raises a string of intergalactic lawsuits and protests. The Galactic High Council (GHC), represented by Barrister Glip-Glop of Delta V, released a statement via pulsar-based telepathy stating, “Claiming they manufactured humans is one thing. Proclaiming ownership, tantamount to slavery, is against the Galactic Code of Rights and is grounds for legal dispute across the universe!”

Moreover, competing alien groups have expressed their grievances too. The Martian delegation has lodged a counter-claim, remarking that they’ve also been genetically meddling with humans, hence the fascination with the Red Planet in the human collective psyche. (That explains a lot, doesn’t it?)

While we can take some comfort in knowing we’re deemed patent-worthy across the universe, it doesn’t help the sense of existential scale-tipping. Who knew our cosmic circumstances would play out like an episode of interstellar “Maury”?

As this universal imbroglio continues, a piece of advice, ladies and gentlemen, hold tight to your love ones, and remember, our genetic makeup might come with an owner’s manual, but our heart, soul, and free will are out of this world and untouchable by any intergalactic law!

This is your Secret Informer, folks, promising to beam up any more star-studded shenanigans straight to you. Stay tuned and beware — the truth isn’t just out there, it’s downright bizarre!