Biblical Locusts with Laser Beams: The Final Plague?

Well, folks, strap in, and cinch up those tinfoil hats because today we’re talking not just your ordinary Biblical calamities, but locusts armed to their little compound eyes with laser beams! You thought the Apocalypse had some heavy-duty shenanigans lined up before? Think again! These buzzing raptorial insects just went from “annoying” to “Armageddon 2.0,” elevating the classic “plague” experience to baffling, and dare I say, electrifying new levels.

Ladies and gentlemen, we’re not in Kansas anymore.

So, how’d we get here? Well, sources from the shadowy underbelly of top-secret scientific research facilities tell us – behind layers of absolute anonymity, of course – that a “mishap” occurred during a routine genetic mutation experiment. Before you could say “creation gone wild,” locusts became a species of laser-armed apocalypse bringers.

“Don’t they mean laser ‘eyes’?” we hear you asking. Oh, if only. That would fall squarely into the realm of the expected. These little critters boast laser beams not from their eyes, but from an advanced bodily appendage evolution apparently decided to play pin the tail on the locust with.

Where are these beastly bugs now? Wait for it…in quarantine. That’s right! But, did I mention, it’s not a guaranteed, hermetically sealed, triple locked quarantine. It’s more of like a shoebox-with-holes-poked-in-the-top kind of quarantine. The scientists, bless their brains, assure us that they have everything “completely under control.”

As we all know from every sci-fi movie ever made (let’s be frank, that’s where we’re at now), the line “we have everything completely under control” is invariably followed by the exact opposite of control.

Now, time to address the irradiated elephant in the room. Can they be weaponized? Are you sitting down? The answer is a resounding “probably.” Which, in this context, reads as a humble, “yes.”

The spiraling absurdity takes another turn when another shadowy “science guy” spilled the beans about – wait for it – FABRICATING miniature armor for these beasts. Yes, you heard it right. Biblical locusts with laser beams and tiny armor. Guaranteed to either give you nightmares for weeks or leave you in hysterics, depending on your humour gauge.

While this sounds like outlandish fiction, rumor has it that a blueprint for this metallic exoskeleton, featuring a tiny reflective helmet and little boots, exists. These AVATAR-bug-mutation-thingies will be marching in synchronized fashion, powered by the biggest batteries the teeniest tech can offer.

So, do we need to worry about these armed-to-the-teeth, laser-slashing Biblical bugs signalling the end of humanity? Well, as long as the scientists can re-capture the insects after fetch practice, and immunize all mankind against laser-sting allergies, I think we’re good.

If we learned anything from our wise Granny – it’s always to pack an umbrella against unexpected weather. Now we recommend adding tiny locust shields to your list. You never know when you’ll need to deflect a laser beam from a locust going rogue.

Remember, armageddon may be on the cards, folks, but it might just have a sense of humor. Laser point and giggle, as the Bible never said. Remember, you heard it here first, stay safe and keep your eyes on the skies!