Ectoplasmic Exercise: Haunted Gym Equipment Moves on Its Own!

Welcome, dear readers, to another wonderful week of extraordinary spectral scoops, courtesy of our publication, the Secret Informer. It’s time to strap in and brace yourselves for the paranormal peculiarity of possessed pec-flexors and perturbing pilates. Indeed, dear audience, we speak of the mysterious world of haunted gym equipment – Ectoplasmic Exercise for all!

In the quaint little town of Ab-Normal, Illinois, where macabre mysteries are as common as breakfast cereals and laundry bundles, something bizarrely brawny has been causing quite the spectral stir. We’re talking about Queenie’s Quirky Gym – a fitness center that’s proven to be more of a spook-fest than a sweat-fest!

Work out enthusiasts, looking for an early morning sweat, have reported seeing dumbbells defying gravity to levitate at dawn. Treadmills are said to sprint beyond their maximum speed, terrifying the gym’s patrons, with some even claiming to have witnessed the rowing machines rhythmically rowing to the eerie orders of unseen nocturnal navigators.

And let us not forget the mysterious, slippery substance often found stuck to several gym machines – ectoplasm. Yes, you read that right. Now, you’ve probably heard of slimy ectoplasm from your favourite paranormal movies. But we never thought, did we, that this supernatural residue would make a sticky situation in our local gyms, of all the places!

Queenie, the owner of the gym, remains nonchalant about the poltergeist phenomenon. “It just adds a whole new level to the training, doesn’t it?” she said, sipping her green protein smoothie, unperturbed. “Plus, the ghosts are better at sticking to their workout routines than half of my human clients. Can’t say it’s bad for business!”

However, not all of Queenie’s customers share her sanguine view of the phantasmal fitness fiesta. Arnold Beefcake, local bodybuilder, spoke of the day his barbells began to bob and weave in mid-air. “I was just about to smash my personal best,” he complained, “and these ghostly gains nearly knocked me out!”

It’s not just the weights causing a ruckus either. Cardio trolls have been dismayed to find their treadmills already ticking over at a marathon pace while spectral spinner classes have been frequently spun into chaos by invisible participants.

Now, what are the steps the gym authorities taking to understand and possibly alleviate the situation? What do the experts say? We spoke to Dr. Eeria Dupree, renowned spiritualist and poltergeist profiler, who hinted at the presence of a ghost with an unfinished fitness goal. According to his research, this could be the spirit of a deceased bodybuilder, unreleased from the material plane due to his unfulfilled protein goals.

Dr.Dupree suggested, “The best course of action would be to let the ghost ‘work it out’. Maybe laying a few plates of ghost protein (don’t ask us where you can buy that!) around the gym would also help give the entity the peace of mind it clearly needs.”

During this time, Queenie’s Quirky Gym continues to bustle with an odd mixture of fearless fitness freaks and ghost enthusiasts. We salute the brave gym-goers of Ab-Normal. Ectoplasmic Exercise may not be for the faint-hearted but for those in the spirit, it’s certainly an otherworldly workout to remember!

So, whether you’re in for the thrill, the chill, or just to burn some fuel, head on down to Queenie’s Quirky Gym – where the workouts are intense and the spirits, restless. Don’t forget to wipe down your machines afterward, folks – with both a towel AND some holy water!

Till next week, dear readers, when we bring you another round of starling stories from beyond the veil. Will it be possessed toasters or vampiric vacuum cleaners? Who knows! Stay tuned, and remember: the truth is out there, no matter how strange it may be!