Extraterrestrial Exchange Program: Aliens Go to College!

Buckled up dear readers because this story is a wild ride! Intrigue, wonder, mystery, and amusement! Just another day at ‘Ivy Cosmos College’ – the first-ever interstellar institution, where you can’t tell who’s from Venus and who’s from Vermont. The one place in the universe where “freshmen fifteen” might mean an extra fifteen tentacles!

Sally Jenkins, a 20-year-old ambiguous arts student, recounts an outlandishly close encounter saying, “I thought Zork was pretty standard – y’know, in that videographer’s vest, sipping that peculiar green smoothie, obsessed with taking ‘selfies’. But that was until I accidentally walked into him in the cafeteria; rather than apologizing, as is standard human etiquette, he phase-shifted through the pepperoni pizza!” If that isn’t a slice of paranormal pie, we don’t know what is.

Meanwhile, Professor Xorblethorp (name changed for privacy), when asked about teaching the aliens, took a deep breath before saying, “It’s quite challenging. You can never tell if they’re struggling with the material or if they can’t understand your accent. But the real problem arises during exam season…let’s just say we’ve had some…unexpected teleportation incidents.”

Adding to the academic chaos, there’s also an intergalactic sports team called the “Cygnus Spheroids” in the college. They have the best trampoline team on this side of the Milky Way. Their secret? Anti-gravity enhancements! Team goalie, Greg Smithe confesses, “When the opposing team sees the ball bending time and space, they never take the shot. It’s cheating, but who are going to complain to? Intergalactic Sports Regulation Committee?”

But not all extraterrestrial beings are here to learn or play Galactic Kickball. Rumor has it that the alien fraternity Gama Plutonia is notorious for throwing rowdy black hole parties with out-of-this-world music that can literally blow off your socks. But do they care? Head-banging to the rhythm of space-funk is an acquired taste after all.

As if that isn’t enough, the university counseling office is having a hard time adjusting to “interstellar student stress.” When Martians have dissertations on the psychological effects of space travel on two-headed Betelgeusian rats and Saturnites are upset about rings around their moons, what’s a well-meaning psychologist to do?

Of course, let’s not forget the love stories stirring this cosmic pot! Jenny, a shy sophomore from downtown Dayton, reportedly started dating Zylop–an alien hunk from Zeta Reticuli, who is not just from another city, or country, but an entirely different solar system. “He has the dreamiest six eyes, and his translucent skin glows when he’s happy. Plus, he promised to take me star-hopping on the third date!” Jenny gushes.

This is the reality of our world today folks, where dating an alien is seen as trendy, and where enrollment at this cosmic college has a waiting list longer than the Great Wall of China. Sure, we were unprepared when the aliens first showed up, but resourceful humanity found a way to deal with this otherworldly influx. We did the only sensible thing – we offered them college admissions!

So, dear humans, lose your fears and pack away your doubt! No need for massive evacuations or interstellar battles. As long as our otherworldly brethren are occupied with term papers, student loans and sore fingers from too much texting, our planet is safe.

These anecdotes from ‘Ivy Cosmos College’ might seem too absurd to be true, but isn’t that precisely the kind of surreal stuff we secretly savor? As the Secret Informer, trust us to bring you more juicy, otherworldly news from the university where alien frat parties and paranormal pizzas are part of every day’s curriculum.