Missing Tourist Found on Mars: Claims He Took the Wrong Bus!

Attention Earthlings! The most bizarre, belly-laughing headline has surfaced – an unsuspecting tourist, who took the “wrong space bus”, has been found unharmed on the crimson terrain of Mars! That’s right, folks, we’re not talking about a wrong turn at Albuquerque – this is a man who accidentally blasted six months and significant gases into space.

This ludicrous tale of the lost tourist, Mr. Fred Humdrum, a retired geography teacher from Gary, Indiana, began on what seemed to be an ordinary Tuesday. Fred, a self-proclaimed enthusiast of public transportation, decided to embark on a cosmopolitan adventure around the neighborhood. To herald his love for buses overtaking his common sense, he boarded the first bus he saw without glancing at where it was headed. Little did he know, the bus wasn’t your everyday Greyhound; it was, in fact, an interstellar carrier due for a scheduled stop on Mars!

Just imagine, folks, the look on Mr. Humdrum’s face when the next stop announced wasn’t 5th Avenue, but the epic Olympus Mons! Apparently, the Martian Express doesn’t stop for Milky Way milk runs. Exiting the bus, Fred found himself not surrounded by concrete jungles, but the dusty red plains of the fourth rock from the sun. Talk about taking the scenic route.

Incredibly, our intrepid explorer’s suitcase was filled with hard candies, comic books, and makeshift survival gear, including a packet of tinfoil. Utilizing his knowledge from reruns of ‘MacGyver,’ Fred resourcefully used the tinfoil and a bubble gum wrapper to craft an S.O.S signal that he planted on the Martian surface.

Meanwhile, back on Terra Firma, famed space agency “Star Command” spotted an anomaly on Mars. After intense scrutiny, they detected Fred’s ridiculously shiny S.O.S and set to work on a thrilling rescue mission. They just had to finish their coffee first. You know how it is — bureaucracy and all.

During his surreal sojourn on Mars, Fred passed the time by practicing shadow puppetry on the Martian cliffs and playing hopscotch with rocks. He even had a moment of inspiration and tried to name the Martian rocks after his pals back home, but that didn’t stick. As far as we know, there’s no Martian “Rock of Ralph.”

Just when Fred was considering setting up a Mars branch of his local book club, salvation arrived. The ‘Star Command’ rescue team, led by Captain Alvin “Rocketman” Sparks, landed their ship, the Hubble Bubble. With a ticket mix-up of such astronomical proportions, you’d expect any man to be livid, right? Not Fred. Fred coolly asked the crew if their spaceship accepted bus passes for the return journey, eliciting chuckles all around.

Cosmic confusion aside, the rescue team remarked that they found Fred in “surprisingly perky condition,” though he admitted that the lack of local cuisine had him missing his Molly’s meatloaf. Always an optimist, Fred had used his time stranded on Mars to improve his hopscotch game though he expressed disappointment at the lack of quality reading materials.

In this gut-busting episode of cosmic comedy, our beloved retired geography teacher took an unscheduled detour into the cosmos and demonstrated unequivocally that those who wander are not always lost. Sometimes, they’re just on the wrong bus. So remember, diligent readers, always check your bus number unless you’re open to the idea of Martian sight-seeing.

What a tale to tell the grandchildren, eh? Fred, you might just have outdone Buzz Lightyear this time. Now, let’s see if he collects travel miles for this cosmic misadventure. Welcome back, Fred. Mind the gap!