Neptune’s Nefarious Nuptials: Will Earth Be Sacrificed for Alien Wedding?

In a bombshell revelation that will rattle the very core of astrophysics, cosmologists, and anybody aiming to ever get a decent night’s sleep again, anonymous sources have whispered of an alien plot of astronomical proportions. Yes, dear readers, we’re talking Neptune’s Nefarious Nuptials! The bigwigs won’t admit it, but it appears our precious planet Earth is being dragged into the center of an off-world wedding most vile!

Our mysterious sources – who claim descent from the celestial realm themselves – have leaked the scandalous details of a royal wedding planned across the light years and set right here in our solar system, specifically Neptune. Miss Nebulina, the nebulous princess of Neptune, is scheduled to wed Sir Starlin, the gallant gallium guzzler from the Gliese galaxy.

Insiders say the couple met in a supermassive Blackhole Bistro at the center of the Milky Way, bonding over their propensity for quantum entanglement and a shared love for Saturn’s rings. Amusingly, they also found common ground in their mutual distaste for Earth’s reality TV shows. Apparently, interstellar cable providers are lightyears behind with software updates.

However, prepare for a shock as large as a lunar impact dear readers, for it emerges that the Neptunian Nuptials involve a matrimonial tradition that will make your comets curdle. Terra-forming tic tacs or Martian moon macaroons? No, the monstrous custom demands the launch of a sacrificial planet into the heart of the star Alpha Centauri as a fiery symbol of undying love. And as the Rock-Paper-Scissors game of celestial bodies would have it, Earth drew the short straw!

The intergalactic A-listers apparently found Mars too gritty, Jupiter too gassy, and Uranus… they just couldn’t stop giggling at the name on their RSVP cards. Hence, it’s Earth they chose for their elaborate alien wedding fireworks.

This inconsiderate choice is clearly devastating news for our planet. It seems we won’t only be missing the opportunity to catch the bouquet; we might just be the bouquet, hurtling towards an Alpha Centauri without so much as a tin can tagged ‘Just Sacrificed’ tied to our tail.

In light of this interstellar matrimony maelstrom, experts are working round the clock to find a cunning counter. John Quasar, a renowned scientist known for his infamous Milk Way haute couture dresses made of space dust, has proposed a daring solution – an effort to catapult Mercury towards the unsuspecting alien couple. Not only would the surprise planetary gift divert the couple’s gaze from our beloved Earth, but it would also offer them a honeymoon venue in advance – A true ‘two stones with one bird’ solution.

However, critics are worried about Mercurian’s rights in this daring space gambit. Protests are brewing across the globe, with signs saying “Hands off Mercury!” and “Celestial Bodies are not Cannonballs!” rising high.

As the planet Earth hangs in the cosmic balance, we can only hope wiser heads will prevail. The fate of Terrans and Mercurians rest on the slender cosmic thread of intergalactic diplomacy.

So, while the glittering corners of our solar system prepare for Neptune’s Nefarious Nuptials, on Earth, the countdown is on. Will Miss Nebulina and Sir Starlin’s love story turn out to be Earth’s final sci-fi horror on a universal scale, or will we become the universe’s first cosmic wedding crashers? Time, as always, will tell.

Only one thing is for certain: There won’t be need for any fancy seating charts at this wedding. The alien guests are all telepathic, and we on Earth, well, we just might have other planets to fry. We sure wish it wouldn’t be ours.