Sasquatch’s Swimming Saga: Bigfoot Teaches Cubs to Paddle in Hidden Lake!

In the pose that would make any Olympic swimmer green with envy, ladies and gentleman, I bring you the wildest news of the century. Yes, you guessed it! Our most elusive celebrity, the one and only Sasquatch, or as we lovingly call him – Bigfoot, was spotted teaching its cubs how to do a doggy paddle on a hidden lake.

Let’s kodak back to where it all started. Slap bang in the middle of nowhere, down a conspicuously unnamed path somewhere in the Pacific Northwest, lay a lake of mystical proportions, untouched and unspoiled. A Mrs. Euphegenia Doubtfire, who, during her routine walk with her stumbling old Saint Bernard, mistook the Bigfoot family splashing around for a grizzly bear and her cubs. Attempting to save her poor pooch that enjoyed a propensity for poking nose into everything hairy, she whipped out her binoculars…and…oh Santa Maria! She was standing in the VIP gallery of the ‘Secret Bigfoot Swim Meet.’

Leaping out of their caveman-esque attire and hurtling towards the azure waters of the mystic lake, Sasquatch and the mini-feet were an awful sight to behold. Sporting shabby ‘au naturel’ swimming gear, they dove straight in, causing an aquatic hitchcockian chaos, scattering fish in panic and droplets in a lovely arc.

Immediately, our informers who make a living selling dietary products to extraterrestrials, were on the scene. Through high-end binoculars and a dash of guts, they observed Sasquatch in a trainer hat (we assume it was a fig leaf), blowing a kelp whistle, unheard in human frequencies (can we get a yikes for that?). The hairy giant grunted in Aquanese, its hairy fingers tracing out elaborate strokes in the air – the breaststroke, the freestyle, the backstroke, you name it!

Suffice to say, the baby feet, were not as athletic. Giving their version of doggy paddle a go, the cubs splashed around more than a blogger at a free spa getaway. With their tenacious spirit, however, they did manage to make their way around the pool, err…lake, much to their mother’s delight. Each successful lap was rewarded with a bunch of the juiciest mulberries from the tallest tree and a chorus of familial roars that would send the bravest heart diving into the bushes.

Bobbie-Sue, our correspondent on the scene, managed to snap some fantastic photographs using her ‘Insta-gone’ camera. These sensational shots of the Bigfoot swimming lessons are too fabulous to keep underwater. From the baby Bigfoot clinging to Mama Sasquatch, to the whole clan successfully mimicking an array of synchronized swimming moves, these pictures are splasherific.

Sasquatch, with fatherly pride brimming in his eyes and his childlike grin sprawled across his shaggy face emerged as the Michael Phelps of the cryptid world. After several rounds, the cubs tired, one even doing a belly flop of such magnitude that it sent a shockwave through the lake and rippling through our hearts.

As the sun played peek-a-boo behind the verdant hills, the cryptid tribe retreated into the dense woods. Mrs. Doubtfire is planning to hold swimming classes for her Saint Bernard or so she has been babbling to the neighbours. The elusive Sasquatch family left us with a wild tale, an enchanted evening, and a backstroke that’s going to scare the swimming trunks off of any competitor in their right mind.

As we zoom out and the lake disappears behind layers of verdant foliage, the only thing that lingers is the image of a beaming Sasquatch family huddled around in a group hug – a loveable, swimming sensation. So folks, this ain’t your mom’s nighttime story, but it’s a tale that unearthed itself in the mysterious deep end beyond human eye – Sasquatch’s swimming saga, splashed across the canvas of aquatic mayhem.