Secret Government Agency Uses UFOs for Mail Delivery!

Ladies and gentlemen, get your UFO kits, because the US Postal Service has seemingly turned obsolete. Have you been receiving mail and parcels faster than the speed of light? Well, you are not alone. The recent surge in speedier couriers has not been due to technological advancements, but due to E.T. himself. Yes, you heard it right! An inside source from a covert government agency has let us slip into the greatest intergalactic postal scheme to be ever leaked: “Aliens are delivering our mail!”

Our trusty whistleblower, who prefers to be called “Starman” for reasons unbeknownst to us, promises that he does not moonlight as a sci-fi novelist. Clearing the air swiftly, Starman shocked us by exclaiming “UFOs are real and are used as postal carriers!” The logistics of this operation are far from mundane. Starman says, “The agency I’m part of handles interstellar delivery operations. Our UFOs are operated by aliens, who we’ve trained to transport letters and small packages. Big parcels still need the conventional methods…for now!”

According to the Starman, the aliens (whom he swears to Godfrey are NOT little green men) are more orangeish purple with large suction-cup hands perfect for handling those important letters from Aunt Karen. One may wonder why aliens were chosen as couriers, and why not say, cyborgs. Starman says, “Well, aliens possess an uncanny sense of direction. They find addresses in seconds, defying all GPS systems. The cyborg idea seemed…too terrestrial for us!”

This mind-boggling information opens up a postbox of questions. How does the government keep this under wraps? Starman has a startling revelation. “We carry out deliveries at night, under the cover of darkness. Plus, who can tell the difference between a tossing newspaper and an alien throwing your mail through a cloaking device and right into your mailbox?”

The stakes rise when we think about those unfortunate incidents of misdelivery. It reminds us of the time Brenda Johnson from Pennsylvania received a mysterious letter from Neptune. Starman laughs at this memory, “Oh yes, Brenda, we still owe her an apology! The aliens didn’t initially understand the difference between ‘Neptune Street’ and the planet Neptune – a rookie mistake.”

God forbid if your beloved pet Fido barks at these alien mailmen. Starman seems oddly confident, “Aliens smell like chocolate cookies; pets love them! I am not sure how that works on a biochemical level, but I am not complaining!”

Don’t be hasty about getting your tin foil hats out though. Starman warns against trying to spot these UFOs, “We checked. Humans can’t see them without special glasses. Besides, they travel so fast that by the time you ‘thought’ you saw them, your mail has been delivered, and they have zoomed off. Exciting, right?”

And what about Sundays? Do these hardworking extraterrestrials get a break? Starman seemed bemused, “Aliens don’t really understand the concept of weekends, but we’re trying to teach them about it. For them, delivering mail is more fun than work.”

The shocking revelation from Starman brings into perspective the suspicious, lighting-fast delivery of our late-night online shopping and why your mail seems to have a faintest whiff of fresh baked cookies. We can sleep easier now, knowing that our postcards and bills are propped securely in the suction-cup hands of an extraterrestrial being, whizzing through galaxies to reach us in this tiny speck of the universe we call home.

Until another bombshell fact about the alien delivery system surfaces, keep a watch on your mailboxes and remember, the ‘cookie’ smell is not you; it’s your alien mailman!