Secret Government Language Only Presidents Understand: Political Parseltongue?

In the hush-hush world of Washington whispers, many intriguing stories come to light. But few are as eye-popping as the reports of a secret language spoken exclusively by cadre of high-ranking politicians, chief among them being – brace yourselves – the Presidents of the United States! This ophidian oral artistry, dubbed the ‘Political Parseltongue’, appears to be re-defining the corridors of power in ways unfathomable to the ordinary Joe or Jane.

Ladies and Gentlemen, do spellbound pardon the pun, but the tongue has started wagging about exotic secrets right under our noses. It’s not Russian, nor Chinese, nor any known Earth language. It’s not even a dead language like Latin; it seems we’re dealing with something altogether more, snakey.

Dr. Caspar Linguini, the renowned linguist who first broke the code, explains, “It has this sibilant quality, articulated with a hissing sound, almost reptilian.” Reptilian? Mon Dieu! Keep your wits about because the serpentine secret is out!

What might they be discussing in this secret language, you ask? Acknowledging the natural suspicion of a discerning public mind, we approached multiple ex-presidential aides. At the risk of controversy, they divulged startling confirmations. One commented suggestively, “You think the public knows everything about Area 51? Or the real story behind those yearly ‘Physical Examinations’ of the President?” His comically raised eyebrow owed to the world of cloak-and-dagger intrigue behind the political scene.

Our intel reveals this language being used only at top-secret meetings, often ensconced within the clandestine depths of White House bunkers. The interpreter, a shadowy figure recognizable only by his green tie (our staff has fondly named him “Sir Hiss”), is the communicative conduit for the President and visiting dignitaries.

But who’s the language teacher here? Our channels pinpoint the President’s inauguration night as the turning point. One trusted source commented, “The outgoing President whispers something in the ear of the newly sworn-in President. We believe that’s the Parseltongue 101.” There it is, folks. The first-ever handover course taught in the backdrop of Inaugural Balls and covert nods.

However, this mysterious tongue raises significant albeit amusing queries. Are politicians destined to turn into Snake People? Could they hypnotize us into voting for them? Or perhaps the secret ingredients in the First Lady’s apple pie are coded in Parseltongue!

The White House has remained tight-lipped, offering no comments on our riveting discovery. One can’t help but wonder if the next press address will be less podium and more serpent’s pit. Maybe it’s time to get your hands on Parseltongue for Dummies books before they sell out at the stores!

But don’t start enrolling in ‘Learn Parseltongue in 30 Days’ just yet. Remember, it’s a language apparently only taught by the outgoing President to his successor. One may suspect that they’re having a good laugh at our collective confusion, hissing cryptic inside jokes at State banquets while the rest of us haplessly crunch on our dinner rolls.

In this world of political sleight of hand and secret languages, one might advise staying vigilant – or learning to speak like a snake! Either way, remember this news reached your ears first, thanks to Secret Informer. Now signing off with a hiss and a promise of feasting our journalistic fangs on the next big revelation!