The Celestial Sneeze: Will a Cosmic Cold Spell Doom Us All?

Hold onto your hats, folks, because what we’re about to reveal will blow you straight into the stratosphere! Are we under threat of a cosmic cold spell, an extraterrestrial fever, or perhaps humanity is on the brink of a stellar sneeze of astronomical proportions? This truly is a tale of apocalyptic sniffles!

Picture this. You’re strolling down Main Street on a crisp Sunday afternoon when suddenly a chunk of icy comet dust, the consistency of astronaut ice cream, splats onto your windscreen. Yes folks, we are talking about interstellar snot here. It’s coming folks, the Celestial Sneeze!

That’s right, this isn’t your garden-variety allergy season. Our cosmos is showing all signs of a cold! The issue arose when our close comrades from the Omega Nebulae sent an emergency message. They reported experiencing symptoms of chilling constellations, galaxies going green and planets with runny orbits. Looks like the universe has caught a big one!

But how is it possible, you ask, for the universe to catch a cold?

Very good question, dear reader! The wise sages researching gravity at the Zero-Gravity Medical Complex darkly hint towards the Quantum Snot Theory (QST). According to QST, individual subatomic particles are capable of emitting microscopic amounts of cosmic mucus when influenced by interdimensional strings. It’s just as mind-bogglingly awesome and gross as it sounds!

But what does this mean for us Earth dwellers, you wonder. Will we be knee-deep in cosmic phlegm? Could this celestial sneeze herald the end of mankind as we’re pelted mercilessly by out-of-this-world nasal matter?

Here’s where it gets even juicier. A high-ranking insider at the international mint ICC (Interstellar Common Cold) Commission reports talk of drafting a “Planetary Hanky Protocol.” Secret schematics suggest we’re looking at a 6,371,000 square mile handkerchief. Yes, you read that right, a blanket-sized sniffer stopper for earth. People, we could be living in the shadow of a nose-glove the size of Asia!

Should you fear cosmic congestion? The answer is, probably not. Our insider suggests that the ICC Commission isn’t sure how big the sneeze will be, or if it will even make it to our tiny blue planet! However, it shouldn’t stop you from grabbing your own custom stardust mask just to be on the safe side.

Meanwhile, the business world is not wasting time. According to our stock market guru living incognito in Wall Street, shares in intergalactic tissue factories sky-rocketed. In turn, rumors are rife that Universal Gesundheit will be the hot new stock for 2022. After all, you do want to be prepared in case the universe says achoo!

Just last week, our alien correspondent Zorblatt IX from the Crab Nebula revealed a new planetary fashion trend – Nebula Noses. These are disco-ball sized nose caps designed to shield against any incoming universe-sized sneeze. Apparently, nose rhinestone jewelry is last season in outer space… !

Turns out, the imminent cosmic cold might also cause unexpected friends and foes scrambling for cover. In fact, our sources whisper that even arch-nemesis from galaxy CR-123 are offering a truce to explore options for a galaxy-sized NyQuil, should we ever need it! Perhaps this common cold could unite all beings, terrestrial, or otherwise.

So, good folks of Earth, will the celestial sneeze spell doom for us? Probably not. But in the meantime, it certainly has made our universe a more interesting place. And who knows, you might find the idea of a cosmic achoo quite… amusing!

As always, keep your eyes on the constellations and your ear to the ground. And remember, the Secret Informer is your best source of truth in this vast cosmos, the first to forecast the cosmic weather report—rain, shine, or… sneeze!