The Haunted Hotline: Ghosts Now Texting Their Complaints to the Living!

In a spectacle of otherworldly nature, perturbed phantoms are generating quite the commotion, exploiting the marvel of modern technology to voice their protests. That’s right, dear readers of the Secret Informer; the cryptic realms of the dead have broken their silence, trading the chilling wailing and tinny rattling of chains for a more ‘updated’ mode of communication. Texting!

It was an average Tuesday evening for Mildred Butterscotch when, out of the spectral abyss, her cellphone dinged. “It was a number I didn’t recognize,” recounts the Mount Vernon homemaker. The message was, “My tombstone is covered in bird droppings! This is unacceptable. Do something.”

The ethereal texters range from Victorian-era spinsters disgruntled about their overgrown graveyards to Revolutionary War soldiers miffed over “disrespectful” 4th of July barbecues near their burial sites. Meanwhile, Neolithic ghosts complain about the lack of Wi-Fi in their burial mounds, and Arthurian spirits gripe about kids LARPing (Live Action Role Playing) near their round tables.

Our quirky universe took a turn for the bizarre when, in Joplin, radio DJ Teddy “Twister” Daniels was spooked by a ghoul named Mabel. Grumpy Mabel bemoaned the lack of Glenn Miller on his “Oldies but Goodies” show. She used her newfound mode of communication to list the many errors he’s made on the air. Mabel even corrected Daniels that Glenn Miller’s plane vanished over the English Channel, not the Atlantic Ocean as he had mistakenly reported!

The ‘ghosts-texting-the-living’ phenomenon has swept from coast to coast, from the restless souls of Alcatraz inmates demanding Wi-Fi passwords to the antebellum specters of New Orleans’ French Quarter politely requesting the cream be left out of their café au lait.

Tech-savvy spooks have not just restricted themselves to voicing protests. Some are using this novel method to give their two cents on current events. Take, for example, the text from a specter (and former historian) in Boston, fact-checking a local politician’s misinterpretation of the Boston Tea Party. Heaven forbid they get their history wrong, or worse, distort the perspective of the spectral onlooker who claims he was ‘there’!

The spectral texting situation grew even more compelling after ghosts started displaying their wicked sense of humor. A bewildered recipient of ghost texts shared, “The spirit told me it was enjoying the show, about an hour after my mother-in-law left.”

Paranormal experts and psychics are abuzz with theories, citing the influence of cosmic radiation on the “other world” or the possibility of an astral-plane-app that somehow syncs with the human world SMS.

Replying to a remark on how strange this manifestation is, tech guru and paranormal enthusiast, Dr. Hari Potphar commented, “If the dead can walk and talk, why can’t they text?” He is currently in process of developing an app that can effectively facilitate faster, less creepy, and maybe even group chats between the dead and the living. Oh boy! Now, isn’t that an interesting prospect!

Spirits texting isn’t a concept everyone’s comfortable with, and you might want to ignore the phantom buzz in your pocket in the middle of the night. But as we have learned from the spectral likes of Glenn Miller’s ghost, the dead are just as argumentative, funny, and picky as the rest of us. This is the Secret Informer, keeping you informed about the world’s best-kept secrets. Remember, the next time you get a text from an unknown number; you might just be in for an otherworldly chat!