The Intergalactic Court Summons: Earth Accused of Universal Disturbance!

“Caller ID blinked inconsistently, not exhibiting the usual 10-digit number. The screen read: “Intergalactic.” Bob Jenson, a telecom professional, was about to embark on the most outlandish phone call of his lifetime!

Turns out, the call was from the Master Judge of the Intergalactic Court situated in the Alpha Centauri system, next door to the Milky Way. This was serious cosmic business folks!

“The Earth is accused of causing constant universal disturbance!” expounded Zorgon, the Chief Judge over a slightly radio-interference affected call.

It seemed that Earth’s uncontrolled emission of reality TV shows, the dreadful viral ‘Baby Shark’ tune and a consistent bombardment of expired space junk were getting on the nerves or the equivalent of nerves (you never know with aliens) of unassuming extraterrestrial neighbors. They are fed up; more fed up than a chicken running from Colonel Sanders!

“The Kardashians alone are grounds for interstellar penalties!” Zorgon squawked, practically spluttering through the phone speaker with rage. (An insider source later revealed he had become transfixed by the endless reruns of ‘Keeping Up with The Kardashians’ being broadcast into the cosmos, thus affecting the administration of other planets’ trials.)

Sure, we thought our only offense was global warming, but no! Our real crime was against extra-terrestrial tastes and sensibilities. The relentless transmission of Earth’s broadcasts leaked to space, apparently altered the thinking capabilities of an entire juvenile species on Saturn’s moon. All they do now is dance the ‘Floss,’ inspired by omnipresent YouTube Rocket League tutorials.

Bob, drop-jawed, received another thunderbolt when the Judge broke out the big news – Planet Earth was SUMMONED to the Intergalactic Court!

As we held our breath, scratching our heads about how we were going to actually pack Earth into a spaceship, Message Judge Plorg chimed in with a clarification, “We will provide a quantum teleportation device. Some assembly required.”

Bob was designated as Earth’s Legal Representative, due to his role as the initially reluctant recipient of the call. The Intergalactic Court stated it was “simply fair” as it was his number they dialed first. Besides, their court’s strange rules prohibited any sentient AI from taking over, so sorry folks, Siri and Alexa can’t bail us out this time!

Our own backyard boffins, luckily, had a theory on how to build the quantum teleportation device, which didn’t involve a monkey, a wrench or Google. A group of Einsteins have locked themselves in a room with the device’s instructions, Ikea flat pack style.

Meanwhile, Bob, who spent his spare time getting lost in the labyrinthine loopholes of Cable TV contracts, is attempting to understand laws of the cosmos, since, according to Zorgon, “Ignorance of the cosmic law is not a valid defense.”

As we prepare for the first cosmic lawsuit ever filed against mankind, firing errant satellites into space, or even mindless music, seems like a laughable guilty pleasure. This trial outcome, all of humanity eagerly awaits. We do hope the universe has a better sense of humor than we credit it for.

Will Earth face formidable fines, hilarious humiliation, or just a cosmic eye roll? Stay tuned, earthlings! Looks like it’s going to be one heck of a space-reservation ride you don’t want to miss!