The Real Reason Behind Public Holidays: Government’s Time-Travel Experiments?

Alright, folks – grab your tin hats and your investment in logic and reason and strap in, because this gonzo time-machine of a tale is going to turn all of your inquiries across high heaven into an interdimensional knot of mystery!

Perhaps you’ve asked yourself, while reclining on your navy sofa on the Fourth of July, enjoying a beer with your pals staring at the ecstatic symphony of fireworks, why do we really have these public holidays? Are these mere occasions for collective enjoyment? Or are they the veiled attempts of Uncle Sam to cover the hole of a rabbit that’s VHS deep?

Now, you might ask, are we smoking the funny stuff here at Secret Informer? Trust us, we are just as surprised as you are. But, people, we’ve dug through the dirt and found solid giggling proof that rustles this humorous yarn: gov’ment folks have developed time machines and are using public holidays as a cover to experiment with time travel!

From plush offices in Washington D.C to top-secret underground labs, officials are twisting the arms of time, taking joyrides through the tangled strands of history. Their means of transportation – the exotic Tempora Maxima, a contraption rigged to look like a cream-colored photo-booth from the outside. What’s inside? Nothing less than a warp drive capable of catapulting passengers to any address in time.

Think about it. Days like Memorial Day, Independence Day, or Christmas, when the entire nation is immersed in hearty barbeques, and bombastic displays of fireworks – can you think of a better smoke-screen to conceal the clandestine actions of our time-trekking authorities?

And what about the instances of freak weather changes on these special days? Don’t believe us? Recall last Labor Day when you slipped on your tank-top, prepped for an epic cookout, only to be greeted by a sneezing blizzard, and had to spend the day slurping hot chicken soup. Too much of a coincidence, don’t you think? Unpredictable weather could very well be the side effect of the government’s temporal joyriding.

No more talk of space-time ripples. Now we’ve got full-on waves lashing at the shores of River Time, rustling the guts of Meteorology, causing Santa Claus to trade his sleigh for a surfboard!

Another jangling evidence, remember when your Uncle Jeb found ye olde Roman coin in his potato salad last Thanksgiving? Or when your sister Maven drew a spaceship for her school project, only for her teacher to jaw-drop because she’d unwittingly sketched the rover missed out by our beloved NASA? Are these just ‘serendipitous’ accidents? Or are they the debris left-behind by our audacious time-explorers?

The seedy yet particularly Minneapolis-shaded rumor has it, our courageous time-jockeys have dared the journey to assassinate Hitler, mediate World War I, and even witness this century’s key moments, like the release of the first Twilight movie!

There you have it folks, be not bamboozled by this ludicrous sounding exposition. The officials might meanwhile be laughing in their time-travel glory, but remember we’re onto them. While you enjoy this year’s Christmas upping your eggnog game, don’t forget to spare a thought for these audacious time-jumpers. Who knows, they could be planning a trip to have a sabertooth tiger for a pet. As they say, time will surely tell!

Meanwhile, here at Secret Informer, we’ll keep snooping, unearthing and unveiling the truth, one outlandish secret at a time; because if we don’t, who will?

No public holiday, event or govt (bless their hearts) ‘experiment’ is safe from our ever vigilant gaze. So rest easy this Fourth of July, dear reader – we might all be time travel guinea pigs, but at least we’re in it together.