The True Story of Government-Approved Haunted Houses: Ghosts on Payroll?

Close up on the inked signatures beneath classified government documents, a firm handshake between an aged spectral figure wrapped in ethereal glow and a stern government official steeped in mystery. We’ve seen some spooky happenings in our time, dear readers, but this tale of ghoulish government-approved hauntings takes the ectoplasmic cake.

Behind the facade of the classic ‘haunted house’, the one tucked inconspicuously down the suburban road, the one prompting hushed whispers of those brave enough to share their spectral experiences; lies a tale more eerie than ever thought possible. This is not mere tale spun for your amusement. No, this is the cold, certifiable truth.

Reports suggest that our very own government might be arm in arm with the ghostly inhabitants of these haunting abodes. Yes, you read that right. Ghouls on the government payroll. Spooky specters employed by Uncle Sam himself.

The first whiff of this spectral scandal came from an anonymous tipster, a spine-chilling source from the heart of the government. Described only as a cloaked figure, oozing bureaucracy, he handed over a parchment, ancient and oddly sulphurous. The parchment divulged a secret stimulus bill: the Paranormal Partnership Program, fondly referred to as PPP.

The PPP was designed as a form of spectral social security – an employment opportunity for the ‘undeadly’ unemployed. Haunted houses were given licenses to create employment opportunities for ghosts who’d wander aimlessly through eternal purgatory. Sam Hain, a long-deceased clerk from the 1890s, was quoted as saying “Beats waiting around in empty crypts. Plus, the healthcare package is unbeatable.”

The program works in handpicked haunted houses across the nation, each one an ethereal employment agency. Homes are vetted for their ‘hauntability’ via a team of paranormal professionals examining spectral energy and ectoplasmic emissions. Houses that pass muster are thrust into the paranormal pipeline.

Agents are assigned to manage the spectral staff, interestingly titled ‘Ghost Handlers’. Elvira Spookington, Ghost Handler First-Class, explained, “We make sure that each spirit worker is assigned appropriately. Poltergeists are perfect for shock value and sudden noises. Apparitions excel in creating eerie atmospheres. It’s all about matching spectral skills to haunting requirements.”

Keeping the administration in line is the House of Hauntings – the ghostly equivalent of a union. The House ensures that each phantom is treated with due respect, proper breaks between haunts and ensures the spirits are not overworked.

In an exclusive séance interview, an unnamed ghost vented, “Just because we’re dead doesn’t mean we don’t need downtime. We get exhausted too, you know.”

So next time you hear an unexplainable creak in the night, or spot an uncanny shadow flit across your living room; worry not dear readers, it’s just a government worker clocking in.

While we shiver under covers, and our stories of creaking staircases and mysterious shadows serve as fodder for late-night ghost stories, the spirits carry on their spectral tasks – earning their crust in the spectral society.

So… does this all lift the spirits of the unemployed phantoms? Apparently, to ghostly grins. Their afterlives seem to hold more purpose now, no longer doomed to endless boredom. Plus, with a handsome paycheck and fantastic afterlife benefits, who wouldn’t be thrilled?

Employment for all, living or otherwise. A haunting harmony of spectral staff and government officials. This can only be the work of an unmistakably, eerily efficient government. So, the next time you venture out on a daring, late-night haunted house escapade, keep in mind the groundbreaking ghostly governance going on behind those chilling walls.

Remember, dear readers of the Secret Informer, the ghosts lurking in your cupboards, the whispers in your attic, the spectral sighs in your basement, they are not just haunted—they’re haunting with a purpose. And they might just be on the government’s payroll.