UFOs Cause Traffic Jams: Commuters Demand Galactic Bypass!

Ladies and Gentlemen, fasten your seatbelts, clear your windshields, and adjust your tin foil hats – it’s rush hour again, and we’re not just talking about the snail-paced cavalcade of four-wheeled metal coffins on the I-95. No, my friends, this is an astronomic affair, a cosmic confluence of baffling proportions occurring right over our heads. UFOs are causing traffic jams, and irate motorists are demanding a Galactic Bypass!

It all began innocently enough – a few unwieldy insects dive-bombing the morning commuters, causing delays worse than your mom’s ham casserole on Christmas Eve. Then came the rogue players from another galaxy, aliens zipping in and out of our atmosphere with such reckless abandon that you’d think the invasion had already begun.

Channeling their inner Mad Max, these extraterrestrial visitors block up the skyways with their hovercraft, causing havoc of orbital proportions on our freeways. Believe it or not, they’ve brought the age-old human tradition of road rage to the unfathomable vastness of space.

“Beam up this,” yells Joe from Cincinnati, his Monday morning commute now a galactic snafu. His blue-collar fists are sunburnt from shaking them at the sky, his voice louder than the third Led Zeppelin album. He is not alone. All around him, the car horns create an existential symphony of discontent.

According to Sarah, a latte-loving, yoga-doing powerhouse from Santa Monica, California, “I was trying to meditate while stuck in the traffic but every Om I chanted was interrupted by a saucer zooming across my moonroof.” When told to ‘go with the flow’, Sarah promptly responded: “What flow? It’s a standstill up there!”

Ottawa commuter, Pierre, has had enough. He’s organizing a petition calling for an ‘Alien E-ZPass’. Pierre is also lobbying for a dedicated ‘visiting alien lane’. His logic? If we can share bike lanes, surely we can share our skies with otherworldly beings just going about their otherworldly business?

Efforts to contact the aliens have been largely fruitless. Embarrassingly, we’ve offered them everything from shiny trinkets to Netflix subscriptions. Nothing worked. In fact, our invitations have been greeted with such universal indifference that one wonders if we’re the most uncool planet in the universe.

Meanwhile, a group of feisty physicists from New Jersey believe they’ve found a solution – a galactic bypass cutting through the stress-inducing terrestrial traffic, and whisking the extraterrestrials to their unusual destinations without impeding our daily caffeine hunts.

These valiant number-jugglers have started crowd-sourcing funds to create this highway amidst the heavens, armed with nothing but protractors, slide rules, and a bold vision. The idea is being hailed as the “Einstein meets Elon Musk meets Mad Max” solution to our cosmic congestion woes.

For the critics out there, they say it’s all about understanding the root cause of our traffic tribulations. “Have you ever considered that the aliens merely wish to partake in our consumption of fast food and earth grown coffee? Or perhaps they’re here looking for affordable car insurance in a galaxy where Zorkon the Unreliable reigns supreme,” argued one of these brave scientists.

It seems our visitors from the cosmos aren’t leaving anytime soon, and these celestial clogs in our terrestrial traffic arteries persist. We may not know what tantalizing tidbits tantalize those tentacled tourists, but one thing’s for sure – morning traffic just got a whole lot ‘extraterrestrial’.

So, until we install that Galactic Bypass, stock up on those intergalactic coffee mugs, keep those doughnuts at arm’s reach and buckle up for a road rage of cosmic proportions. Just remember, no matter how mad they make you, flipping off aliens is probably a bad idea. They might beam you up… and trust us, there’s no carpool lane on the Starship Enterprise.