Underwater Internet Cables Gnawed by Mermaids: Coastal Areas Offline!

In a truly shocking revelation that has rocked the internet world and the deepest reaches of the ocean alike, highly reliable sources are reporting sabotage of the underwater internet cables by none other than – wait for it – mermaids! Yes, folks, you heard it here first at Secret Informer; the luscious-locked, siren-song-singing, tail-waggling residents of the deep blue sea are our newest digital nemesis.

Enter our hero, an unsuspecting marine biologist named Burt Fishman – a man whose last name is as serendipitous for his line of work as Bob Baker being great with bread dough. For the last decade, Fishman has made it his sole mission to monitor the integrity of underwater internet cables, a job as arduous as it sounds.

“I’m usually a very stern man,” says Fishman, “like a ship captain fighting a maelstrom. But when I saw what the mermaids were doing to our internet cables, I giggled like a schoolboy with a whoopee cushion. I thought it was a prank.” He brandishes never-before-seen photographs showing mermaids with their sharp little compote teeth gnawing away at the vital fiberoptic cables, rerouting Wi-Fi signal across a constrictive coral reef, and even using an abalone shell to patch up a seahorse’s little house.

“These mermaids! I tell ya,” Fishman continues, swiping a hand dramatically across his brow, “They’re harder to keep track of than a group of third-graders at a candy store. I’ve been trying to understand why they’re munching on our communication lines like it’s Friday night at Red Lobster.”

Could it be possible that mermaids, not satisfied with their underwater kingdoms, have developed a taste for human technology? Or, could there be a deeper, Al Gore level conspiracy here with mermaids being the brain child of an unknown enemy, unleashed to gnaw away at the world’s connectivity?

Unsurprisingly, coastal residents were flabbergasted to discover their Instagram feeds disrupted and their Netflix binge sessions abruptly ended. There were even reports of an uproar in Silicon Valley when social media tycoons found themselves unable to post their daily avocado toast snaps.

Fishman, being the ever-observant sentinel of the sea, also noticed that the mermaids are particularly drawn to certain geographic areas. “It’s like they’re targeting the Kardashians and the housewives of Beverly Hills!” he exclaims. Are our mermaid foes just passionate fans or relentless trolls? Whatever the case, coastal Californians are now faced with the wrath of annoyed influencers and the prospect of real-life social interaction.

The situation is undeniably grim but Fishman is optimistic. “The way I see it, we can begin negotiations,” he offers, solemnly adding, “Anyone know if they would accept a peace treaty in the form of fresh sushi?”

Despite the swirling panic, some areas are adapting quickly to the unscheduled digital detox, with Surf City USA undertaking pottery workshops and hula-hoop contests in place of TikTok dance challenges. Beach bonfire shenanigans and ukulele lessons saw a significant uptick, proving once again that humans excel at adapting and finding joy amidst the chaos.

Meanwhile, internet conglomerates are hastening to organize a retaliatory operation, codenamed “Fins and Fiber”, aiming at safeguarding the internet cables from scallop-shell-wielding, detail-oriented, and obviously punctilious mermaids. Ideas are ranging from hard-shell encasing for the cables to advanced holographic technology mimicking gigantic, scary fish. High school engineers with a knack for robotics and a love for horror movies are particularly encouraged to join.

As we anxiously wait for the rerouting of our GIF-sharing, meme-creating online life, one thing’s for sure – we’ll never watch The Little Mermaid or use the mermaid emoji in the same way again. So, next time you’re at the beach and feel compelled to sketch a mermaid in the sand or sing ‘Under the Sea,’ remember it’s these one-time fairy-tale characters going on a tech chew-fest, creating disruption for us surface folks!