Why Public Toilets are Free: Government’s DNA Collection Scheme!

Did you ever stop to wonder why public toilets are absolutely free of charge? Of course, you haven’t! Just like most of us, you’re probably just relieved, both literally and metaphorically, to find a convenient public restroom when you’re out and about. But brace yourselves, folks, because today we’re blowing the lid off a well-kept government secret that will make you think twice before answering nature’s call in public world ever again!

You may think that those gleaming porcelain thrones serve the solo purpose of answering desperate calls of nature, but oh how naïve that assumption is! Our insider sources have uncovered a top-secret operation faster than you could say ‘toilet paper’, revealing that public toilets are not just pit stops but actual DNA collection centers! Yes, you heard it right, folks. When you’re going for that number two, you’re providing Uncle Sam with ‘number one’ info about you!

Infinitely more revealing, yet infinitely less invasive than a swab up the nose, your DNA is being carefully collected, categorized, and crunched through the labyrinthine bureaucratic machine, faster than a flush down the sewer pipe. And how is this done, you ask? Think about it. What’s the one thing you’re required to, excuse the graphic details, leave behind when you make use of these ‘free’ public facilities? That’s right – invaluable fecal matter, chock-full of your unique genetic goodies!

In every public restroom, unknown to the naked eye, are tiny, somewhat ‘smart’, DNA-sucking robots, embedded in those seemingly innocent, everyday toilet bowls. These remarkable contraptions, resembling electronic hedgehogs, spring up from their cunningly camouflaged hiding spots under the rim and shoot microscopic nano-tentacles into your, umm, offerings. These futuristic fibres extract a host of genetic data, which is then robotically relayed to vast underground data centers.

These government-operated bunkers, deeper than your favorite pothole, are where these biological treasure troves are whisked away and rapidly processed. Here, they run your genetic data through crisp, neon-lit techno-mumbo-jumbo machinery that cranks out your comprehensive genetic profile quicker than the time it takes to wash your hands and exit the restroom!

Why would the government want to collect DNA from your bathroom visits, you wonder? It’s simple! Everything from your susceptibility to certain diseases, what kind of coffee you like, to your potential to become a super-powered vigilante can be decoded from these samples! They’re making a detailed genetic scrapbook of every public toilet user across the nation. One flush at a time!

Of course, the government staunchly denies these comic book-worthy allegations. They swathe their words in soothing reassurances of privacy and protection of civil liberties. But what they don’t mention are the peculiar cases of ordinary folks like Bob, who visited a public toilet one day, only to receive, weeks later, personalized nutritional advice from unnamed ‘health enthusiasts’ suggesting he increase his fiber intake. Or, Sandy, who found herself being sent coupons for lactose-free milk after using the loo at her local shopping mall. Coincidence? We think not!

So, next time nature calls – beware! Your bathroom break might be breaking more than just your day’s monotony. Keep in mind, each flush supplies more fodder to the government’s mysterious genetic database – crammed with secrets, identities, and probably little photos of your diets! What a time to be alive, folks! What a time indeed…

Remember, folks. Stay curious, stay vigilant, and maybe, just maybe, learn to hold it in a little longer next time you’re out in public!