Xiamen’s Xylophone Xtravaganza: Ghostly Melodies Haunt the City!

Ladies and Gentlemen, folks and flibbertigibbets, hang onto your hats because we’ve got a news piece so outlandish, it could only be found here, your tabloid haven of choice, the Secret Informer!

Bet you thought Xiamen was simply the land of tulou and tea, didn’t you? Think again, truth seekers! Xiamen, on the southeastern coast of the People’s Republic of China, is now bracing itself upon an unearthly happening that will send shivers down your spine – Xiamen’s Xylophone Xtravaganza!

Legend has it, the ghost of a long-dead classical musician has discovered his new playground – Xiamen. And the instrument of choice you ask? Ha, none other than the xylophone, my thrill-seeking friends!

Scores of Xiamen citizens have been sending reports of spectral xylophone music echoing through the early morning mist. The once quiet city now jingles eerily with the metallic clink of uncanny melodies that Generation Z just can’t seem to Shazam! And that only means one thing – we’ve got a phantom xylophonist on our hands!

This poppycock began last Tuesday when Li Fu, a local fisherman, awoke to the rhythmic tinkling of a xylophone, allegedly played by spectral hands. A quick glance at the clock – 3:33 am! Having seen his fair share of horror movies, Li knew this was way past his bedtime. Petrified, he shoved his head under the blanket, praying to the God of Lotus Seeds to whisk the ethereal xylophonist away. But the melody only soared, pounding against his eardrums as though the phantom were frantically working an invisible xylophone right inside his room!

With the break of dawn, Li scrambled to call Xiamen Police Department to report the musical specter. The operator advised him to hit that ghostly xylophone with a broom – probably works for spiders and rats, but phantoms?

Meanwhile, numerous locals claim to be suffering the same nocturnal harmonies. The celestial xylophone fever has spread throughout the city like a hermit crab in a free shell store! The Invisible Xylophonist – which is now how the specter is known throughout the metropolis – proves its existence through eerily beautiful melodies wafting through the air, engulfing Xiamen in a symphony of supernatural musical percussions.

Teachers report students dozing off in class after sleepless nights spent tossing and turning, haunted by endless xylophone concertos. Psychiatrists have even introduced a new term for the widespread affliction – Xylophone Anxiety Disorder (XAD). Symptoms include beads of sweat trickling down at the mere mention of xylophones and an irrational fear of percussion mallets. Truly, ladies and gentlemen, Xiamen has reached Peak Xylophonemania!

The Xiamen government took swift action, and top brass ghost-busters have arrived to rid the city of the phantom musician. Unfortunately, all they’ve done till now is listen to the beautiful tunes and nod their heads as if attending a nocturnal rock concert.

While Xiamenities live in terror, the Invisible Xylophonist cripples the city with celestial charm. Some even say the specter could be Shostakovich himself, trying to teach modern pop artists a lesson or two. Whether that’s true or just another urban legend, nobody knows. The only thing certain is Xiamen will long remember these nights of the Xylophone Xtravaganza!

Thoroughly spooky? Indeed! But remember, phantoms or not, Xiamen will stay Xiamen, with or without the xylophone tunes chiming through the nights. Some say it’s a curse, others call it a blessing – as for the Secret Informer’s take, it’s a symphony of laughs. And if anything further unfolds, dear readers, rest assured we’ll be here to ensure you’re the first to know! The secret, after all, is in the telling! Keep it tuned to Secret Informer, your hush-hush haven for the kooky, zany, bizarre, and utterly extraordinary!