Atlantis Found in Local Pond: Mayor Demands Atlantis Taxes!

Hold on to your hats, folks! You won’t believe it, but Atlantis, the lost city that has been the subject of age-old legends and lore, has been discovered. And, shockingly enough, it’s not in the depths of the Atlantic Ocean. Nope, it’s much, much closer—right in the murky depths of a local fishin’ pond!

That’s right, folks! The town’s mayor, Jebediah Hatfield, was out for his morning stroll with his goldfish, Goldie (He is decidedly peculiar, our mayor), around the town pond when he stumbled upon an inexplicable sight. A mysterious spire poking its pinnacle out of the dandelion speckled pond!

After initial disbelief, Jebediah did what any self-respected public official would do—he ordered a complete shutdown of the pond and called the local amateur archaeologists Frank and Bean. In a matter of hours, the dynamic duo confirmed the unbelievable: Atlantis had indeed been lurking in our local pond!

The zany twists didn’t end there. Upon this astounding discovery, the first thought to cross our mayor’s mind wasn’t scientific discovery or historical significance. Nope, he didn’t give a hoot about that academic mumble-jumble. Instead, he demanded–the Atlantis Taxes. Taxing a long-lost civilization? You bet! Mayor Hatfield, it seems, knows an opportunity when he sees one!

“There’s no such thing as a free lunch,” he thundered at the impromptu press conference held on a lily pad, “Every entity in this town, submerged or not, must pay their fair share of taxes!”

Scientists from all over had begun to flock to our humble little town. Even that one guy with the shock of white hair and the talk show made an appearance! He was just as speechless as the rest and gave a thumbs up to Mayor Hatfield’s outlandish tax declaration.

Bean, who doubles up as town’s account and part-time slug exterminator, took up the challenge of calculating the back taxes for Atlantis. He was seen busy punching numbers into his antique calculator which runs on mashed potatoes, with a frown deeper than the pond itself.

Rumor has it that after translating ancient seahorse hieroglyphics and learning about the lost city’s lavish lifestyle, Bean came up with a number so colossal, it would put the national debt to shame! How these Atlanteans will cough up such an astronomical sum remains to be seen, since none have yet to surface.

However, a town meeting at Jebediah’s insistence quickly voted to include a tax provision for long-lost underwater civilizations. A unanimous declaration was issued that, henceforth, Atlantis would be taxed based on its presumed underwater square footage and historical opulence.

Naysayers argue the fairness of such a tax declaration, pointing out that the Atlanteans were not present to defend their case. To this, the mayor responded, “Fish gotta swim, Taxmen gotta tax; it’s the natural order of things!”

In the meantime, the pond has been cordoned off, and plans are being drawn to install a mega-sized tax meter directly above the watery spire for all to see. Once Atlantis coughs up their back taxes, they’re free to do business with the town as per usual, asserted Mayor Jebediah!

Folks, the bewilderment isn’t going away any time soon. As Atlantis rises to the surface, so does the curiosity and excitement in the hearts of the town folk and world alike. And that’s our latest scoop from the Secret Informer. Watch this space, and whatever you do, don’t forget your taxes! Even the Atlanteans can’t escape it!