Mummy Runs for Mayor: Promises Wraps on Every Corner!

The day started like any other for the residents of Bakersville until an announcement caused all of them to drop biscuits in disbelief. It was rumored that the mummy of Pharaoh Petserath III, JJ to his acolytes, had declared his intention to run for mayor of Bakersfield.

Yes, you’ve read it right. No need to rub your eyes or take your glasses on and off. The Pharaoh who passed on eons ago, had decided to grace our town with his political ambitions. The news has also been confirmed by his spokesperson, a local seance practitioner, who communicates the late Pharaoh’s words through the subtle flicker of a candle’s flame.

According to the going-in-circles rumor mill of the Bakersville coffee shop, the Pharaoh’s election manifesto promises a “wrap for every individual, free of cost”. Now we here at the Secret Informer may be more inclined towards juicy steaks, but wrapped food does have a certain mummified appeal.

“Ikhnaton,” the seer and the Pharaoh’s campaign manager conveyed the Pharaoh’s message, “He’ll turn Bakersfield into the wrap capital of the world. Think falafel wraps, chicken wraps, veggie wraps – you name it. There will be wraps on every corner!”

This unprecedented promise has stirred up a commotion. Local sandwich shops are shaking in their buns, seeing their bread-based livelihood threatened while vegan and gluten-free groups are thrilled at the news of a potential explosion in variety and abundance of wraps. Meanwhile, the town’s conspiracy theorists are having a field day, whispering about ancient Egyptian curses and secret societies.

In a scandalous twist, JJ upset some corners of the community when he suggested replacing the traditional baseball game with ankh toss at the annual Bakersfield Summer Fest. But he has since apologized – or rather, Ikhnaton did, fluttering dramatically as the spirit moved him. The Pharaoh carries deeply about community unity and inclusivity, or so the seance says.

How did the soft-spoken Pharaoh rise from the depths of his millennial sleep? It is rumored that an IT developer, in a desperate attempt to silence his snoring neighbor, decided to break out the ouija board one night and accidentally made contact with Petserath III. Realizing he had so much more to accomplish in his afterlife, the Pharaoh decided to make a run for the mayoral seat, promising prosperity and wraps for all.

When queried on the process of voting for a long-dead candidate, tired election officials simply shrugged. It is 2021 after all, anything can happen. Internet voting? Secure smart-tech sarcophagus voting booth on display at city hall? Nothing has been ruled out yet.

Bakersville is abuzz with the prospect of having a long-deceased pharaoh at the helm. The excitement hangs in the air, thick as the dust displaced from an old mummy’s wrap, and everyone can’t wait for the mayoral elections.

Opposition is varied and interesting, from the two-term reigning mayor, the poodle from the local pet shop running on the ‘tail-wagging for every citizen’ campaign, to a hopeful tourist-turned-candidate who promises free amusement park tickets for all voters.

Whatever the result might be, it’s clear that the winds of change are encircling Bakersfield, shifting the sands of the mundane towards the tantalizingly unexplored. What seemed like a regular election run is turning out to be an outlandishly unique adventure, courtesy of our newly risen pharaonic candidate.

Isn’t it time we stepped into the shadows of the pyramids – or at least into the one we’re going to build if the mummy wins – pull that ballot lever, and get ourselves a taste of the ancient world? Soon enough, we may well be the most wrapped up town in the world!