Zombie Ants Invade Picnics: Demand Brainier Food Choices!

In a shock turn of events, the humble ant picnic raid has taken a ghastly twist: your breadcrumbs are safe, folks, but you’d be well-advised to keep a tight lid on that brain pate! The Secret Informer is reliably informed – as we always are – of an adrenalising new development on the ant front. Our bitter picnic rivals have switched from sugary snacks to brainier. Literally.

With your picnic hamper in imminent danger, it’s about time we clued you in on the details. We’ve all heard of the zombie apocalypse, but who’d have thought the undead epidemic would start in our picnic basket! Reports claim zombie ants have now taken a keen interest in us, their new demands enough to give you goosebumps.

As connoisseurs of the weird, wild and just plain whacky, we’re here to warn you about the impending picnic Armageddon. As you unsuspiciously lay out your picnic blanket, ready for a fine day in the sun, lurking just out of sight are those minuscule monsters, the once-harmless ants metamorphing into tiny brain-loving zombies.

Franklin Bugsly, a self-proclaimed insect whisperer, encountered the first of these strange creatures over the weekend. When Bugsly uncovered the remains of an unusually dry and unsatisfied ant at the edge of his sandwich, he was initially crestfallen. However, further examination under his trusty toy microscope revealed a terrifying truth: this was no ordinary Ant. It was a zombie ant with a ravenous appetite for brains!

Remarkably, these brain-devouring beings are regular ants infected with a peculiar fungus that takes on the stereotypical zombie persona. The change doesn’t happen immediately; oh no, the delicious drama unfolds over several days. Starting from the head, ironically, the mushroom gradually controls the ant, a master puppeteer pulling leg strings. Then, in a late-night scary story climax, the fungus’s fruiting bodies explode through the ant skull, hungry for brain matter.

According to a bespectacled entomology professor (who wishes to remain unnamed for fear of being chewed out by the academic community for his seemingly sensational claims), the affected insects are then drawn not to sugary substances, but to brainy foods — organ meats, head cheese, or, in picnickers’ worst nightmares, your carefully hidden jars of brain pate. The professor posits that this fungus hijacks the ant’s existing food-finding programming, modifying it for a more cerebral culinary experience.

The zombie ants, unhampered by their size, have been discovered showing up not merely at family picnics but also at swanky picnics, paleo picnics, vegan picnics – anywhere they can sniff out a smidgeon of cerebrum. Combative guests initially assumed an increase in the size of the ants was a product of their over-active imaginations or perhaps one too many glasses of punch.

But as the terrifying facts ooze to the surface – facts that chill more than summer’s iced tea – it is clear as a citronella candle that we have an invasion at hand.

While host-devouring mushrooms are a common reality in the ant world, this is the first time we’ve seen ants duping humans, forcing them to add their beloved brains to an already over-packed lunch basket. One fascinated gourmand stated, “Push comes to shove, how worse can they be than haggis?”

Meanwhile, as we brave the humorous horrors of this ghoulish gourmet apocalypse, picnic-enthusiast or not, it’s high time we reconsider those brainier food choices. Perhaps, settling for sugar-loaded treats might not be such a bad idea now, would it? After all, there’s much less damage to be had from an army of ants bloated on biscuits than undead mini-ghouls commanding our condiments. Suffice to say, we must beat ’em, or they will…uh…eat ’em!