Zombie Plants Invade Gardens: Demand Brain Fertilizer!

Is your garden looking ghoulishly green? Are your petunias possessed? Your lilies living dead? Your roses – well, reeking of rot? Secret Informer is reporting across the nation, a hair-raising phenomenon that’s got botanists bitterly bewildered and petrified gardeners growing grayer: zombie plants!

No folks, this is not one of those midnight-oil tales spun by Uncle Larry when he’s gone beyond his nightly shot of moonshine. This is real, and as solid as the fertilized ground your marigolds quake in. Zombie plants – as menacingly unique as they sound, are sprouting in every corner of the country, causing green-thumbs and casual gardeners alike to shudder at their leaf rakes.

But what’s more devilishly discerning than an entire garden of walking dead weddings? You guessed it – their dietary plans! As per petrified plant owners and aptly terrified arborists – these zombie plants are demanding brain fertilizer! Yes, you read that right: BRAIN FERTILIZER.

Gardener Gertrude Gargoyleson from Glasgow confirmed last Tuesday that her celery seemed unusually “brainy” after she’d kindly composted it with her leftover chicken brains. Cross our hearts and hope to be composted, the celery stalks demanded more! Gertrude said, “I’ve never seen such demanding vegetation. But once fertilized, they did grow lush and vibrant, if a bit…sinister.”

This brainy bonanza spread like an un-weeded plot cross the nation. Green-fingered George from Georgia has a similar wailing tale to tell. He started using brain fertilizer on his roses after folks swore by its garden-enhancing properties. And what happened? The roses bloomed alright, but with a vengeance. George reports they’re now demanding monthly “brain meals”, or they start wilting like last Halloween’s pumpkins.

Terrifyingly, George’s zombie roses have even started to develop a ghastly grey hue, akin to the skin of a cemetery-risen being, and are said to let out an eerie moan at the midnight moon… or maybe that’s George, terrified of what his rosy bushes might do next if they’re not satiated.

These flesh-eating flora have also started their ‘braining ventures’. Normally mild-mannered marigolds have been reported to reach for any gray matter at hand, or rather, at root. Piqued petunias grow thorny and aggressive, reaching out to nip at unsuspecting green thumbs. Terrifying tulips turn flesh-toned overnight – a grisly sight to scare off even the most dedicated garden lover!

Logan Lillypad, a self-proclaimed plant-whisperer, claims to have engaged in a dialogue with these zombie plants. He insists that their need for cerebral matter is not about taste, but survival. In his own words, they “Just want a piece of that grey matter to keep propagating.”

Now folks, I don’t know ‘bout you, but that’s enough to make my begonias blush! So next time you find your friendly ferns taking on a menacingly morbid mask, just remember – it might be time for brain biscuits.

Rest assured, the Secret Informer will stay on root – I mean, route – hot on the crimson heels of these vegetative villains, ready to expose every brain-chewing chapter of their gruesome greenery, and hopefully, extend a leafy olive branch, for the sake of all mankind, and our compost heaps.

So, fair folks of our garden-loving nation, keep your green thumbs ready and your brains – well, covered. The dawn of the gardening apocalypse is nigh. We can only hope that someone will cook up an organic, vegan-friendly substitute for these horror-hungry horticultural happenings soon. Until then – do keep your pets and your plant-loving Grandmas safe – and remember, it’s a jungle out there! Or more fittingly, a ‘brainforest’.